Nightmares

Zach and I were talking about animals we are terrified of yesterday. By the end of the conversation we had given ourselves the heebie jeebies (official diagnosis) and I thought you should share in our misery.

The conversation started because we were discussing the chimp attack victim who was on Oprah, and I am not even going to link to it. But I will say this - Chimps will F you up. And I am never going near one again. I know you're all thinking, but chimps are so cute! With the diapers! And the hand holding!



No. Don't let his sweater mislead you, it's part of his scheme. Because really he looks like this:


And he'll rip your hands off and then he'll eat your eyelids.

Zach's obvious number one nemesis of the animal world is the shark.


Okay. Duh.

Next on both our lists is the Black Mamba. I did not know this snake existed, and I wish I still didn't. But apparently Zach was recently reading a book about them (?) and they are highly aggressive. Like if you even breathe wrong in the vicinity of a Black Mamba he'll be all, "Bitch you did not just breathe like that. You dead." And then he'll kill you.



Don't believe me? Here are a few Black Mamba facts for you to be horrified by:

• considered world's deadliest snake
• reaches up to 14 ft long
• among fastest snakes in the world, can slither at 12 miles an hour
• they are usually gray, but the inside of their mouths are black - hence the name.
• When threatened they will raise their heads, sometimes with a third of their body off the ground, spread their cobra-like neck-flap, open their black mouths and hiss. And you best get to runnin'.
• Doesn't just bite you once and then slither on his 12mph way, he will bite you like a bajillion times over and over.
• Zach claims a black mamba once chased down a guy on a horse - not sure that one is true. But, YIKES.

Last on the list, the Australian Saltwater Crocodile.

Are. you. effing. kidding me.

It's the largest crocodile around, and if I ever see one I will die on the spot. They usually weigh, oh just, 1,300 to 2,200 POUNDS. That's all. And real small little guys, only 18 FEET LONG. According to Wikipedia:

"Capable of explosive bursts of speed when launching an attack from the water, many species of crocodile are also capable of fast land-movement. The 23 species of crocodilian can travel over land using the belly crawl, the walk, the high-walk, and the gallop."

The belly crawl, I can't even talk about it. And I don't even want to know what the high-walk and the gallop look like. And now I have to hurry and publish this so I can go sing a primary song and calm myself down.